I was reading someone's blog the other day who noticed no one
ever says, "Wow. Losing weight is SO easy." And I thought to myself,
"Actually, I have been thinking that exact thing. It is easy."
Oh, poor silly girl. How wrong you were....
Starting
Wednesday around 3pm it became apparent that I was losing my grip on
this whole "eat right and exercise" business. I needed wanted food. I
just wanted to snack. And when I was done snacking I wanted to snack
some more. I felt like I was losing control. I got that "bottomless
pit" feeling where I knew that no matter how
many bowls of popcorn I ate, I would want one more. I gave in a bit. I
compromised some. But I fought to keep my feet on the floor.
Yesterday
it all came unraveled. I won't go into the gooey details...but it
wasn't pretty. At one point, I was driving home from work and I was in a
panic. I was breathing fast, clammy and shaky. I had healthy food at
home. I could have just gone home. But I went to McDonalds and got a
Crispy Chicken Snack Wrap, McDouble, and an ice cream cone. The second
my lips met that ice cream it was like a mouthful of frozen vanilla
flavored Valium. I immediately relaxed and felt better. The car ride
home is about 20 minutes. And it was 20 minutes of pure bliss. The
effect wasn't long lasting. As soon as I walked in the door I was
searching for my next fix. Last night was ugly. Self
destructive. Awful. But it taught me an important lesson.
Eating
junk feels really really really really good. Great. Wonderful.
Euphoric. I should open a rehab center for heroine addicts and feed them
double cheeseburgers. They would be cured! I've never tried heroine,
but I'm pretty sure a double cheeseburger is just as good.
All
this talk about "replacing bad habits with good habits" is such a
joke. I can make as many lists as I want of things I can do INSTEAD of
overeating but it's pointless. I can "Read a Magazine" and "Call a
Friend" until I'm blue in the face and it won't even come CLOSE to how
good great it feels to eat junk. There IS no substitute. Nothing works
as good. Nothing feels as good. I have to come to grips with that. I
have to understand that it IS going to be
hard.
It's
going to SUCK when I feel like that. But I have to feel like that. I
have to wait it out. Get past it. It's an ugly addiction. Feeling like
that means I haven't given in. That I am fighting. It's OK to feel
awful because I'm not giving in to a horrible habit that will kill me.
As time goes by I know I will feel it less and less. But it will always be there waiting.
I
got on the scale this morning to see that I gained 3.6 pounds in the
last 2 days. Sometimes I feel like I'm fooling myself. Going through
the motions to lose weight like it could ACTUALLY happen...when I know
that it never will. An impossible mission.
