Restart Weigh-In: Read It and Weep

I have been really hard on my body.   I either ignore it completely or push it to its limit.  When it shows weakness I have absolutely no mercy.  I get mad that it's all stretched out (and will probably never bounce back) and that my foot hurts if I'm not ridiculously careful (plantar fasciitis).  It gets me angry to the point of tears when I get on the treadmill and can only walk 1.5 mph.  It makes me want to throw things and rip my hair out when I bend over and everything is stiff and hurts and my legs feel swollen and achy....from doing nothing.

The truth is that my body has held up under intense pressure.  And it has never let me down.  When I ask for change it responds. I know people who diet and do everything right and not lose a pound.  That's never been true for me.  When I eat right and exercise, I lose weight. But it's never good enough.

I feel this huge disconnect right now.  The person I am and the person I have become are so far removed from each other.  

I look in the mirror and hate myself.  I don't hate the way I look....I hate the person looking back at me.  How did I let this happen?  How did I let myself spend 30 years as this stranger?  Why was I so willing eager to accept living as a person so different than who I really am?  I'm so out of touch with myself.  It's like some one blindfolded me and spun me in circles.   I don't know which way is up and which way is down.

I'm really just going through the motions at this point.  Eat right.Exercise.  Maybe that will help me feel more grounded.

I weighed in at a whopping 259 lb.  I'm up 20 lb since July.  Feel sorry for me??  I sure do!

This is a recent photo of me in my bathing suit (which you can't really see but I absolutely love).  


So far Body For Life is underway... I have been tracking my food/water/exercise, doing weights 3 days a week and cardio 3 days a week, and eating the BFL way.  A pretty typical meal is what I had for lunch today:

Chicken breast (left over from dinner, cooked with chicken broth, mustard, spices, olive oil), kidney beans, baby spinach, spring mix lettuce, cukes, carrots, 1 tbsp craisens, 1 tbsp walnuts and 2 tbsp lite dressing. 

It was actually pretty good. I don't mind eating healthy and I don't mind exercising.

   SO WHY DO I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP?    

WHY AM I DROWNING IN NEGATIVE FEELINGS AND ANXIETY?

I just keep telling myself to go through the motions.  Do what I know I need to do.  Hopefully this unsettled feeling will pass.