Week 4 Weigh-In: 247.4 lb (+3.6)

Week 4 Weigh-In: 247.4 lb (+3.6)

Month 1 Results: +2.6 lb

WARNING: If you have a low tolerance for weight loss blogger pity parties, please click that little X in the upper right hand corner of this screen. It's gonna get ugly.

After a month of diet and exercise I end this month 2.6 lb heavier than when I started. What is wrong with me? I had so many binge days and and during two of these last four weeks I just gave up by Wednesday. I have a real problem. This is crazy. It's time to ask myself, "What do I want?" I need to figure out what is really important to me and then act accordingly. If the answer is that eating my body weight in string cheese is what I want most in the world, then FINE. I guess I will have to come to grips with that truth and resign myself to a life of flab and tight pants. And chances are I wouldn't have to deal with it for very long because this isn't about vanity. This isn't just 5 extra pounds. I am hugely morbidly obese. I am ignoring things like high blood sugar and high blood pressure. My body cannot TAKE this. What do I want? I feel so lost. I don't know what to do or what direction to go in. And I think this binging and not being able to stick to a diet is a symptom of my life being out of control. I don't have any direction. I used to be involved in a full-time volunteer work that I had planned to make a career of. In the fall of last year I gave it up. I wanted time to "regroup" and I wanted time to lose weight. I am starting to think that was a huge mistake. Volunteering gave me focus. It was something I really believed in. It kept me busy. I often felt like I wasn't "good enough" to do this volunteer work and perhaps I wasn't. But maybe I don't need to be. Maybe the best way to become "good enough" is to keep going. I give up too easy. I choose the easy road. I am not proud of that. I need to face challenges head on and not run from them.

"For God gave us not a spirit of cowardice, but that of power and of love and of soundness of mind." --2 Timothy 1:7

I need to remember how horrible this feels to be overweight. Even just 10 pounds makes a big difference in how I feel.

This is what 247.4 feels like:

1. Out of breath for no reason. I lay down in bed at night and just hear myself breathe....like I just ran a mile.
2. Can't move. It's hard to walk, bend over, etc.
3. My face is always bright red.
4. Bloody nose. I don't know if this is means that my blood pressure is high or not...but it scares me.
5. Swollen. I am puffy all the time.
6. Nothing to wear. Granted this is also true when I have lost weight and haven't bought new clothes, but it's worse now.
7. Can't get comfortable. Can't sit comfortably, can't stand comfortably....can't fit in a lot of seats comfortably.

All that needs to change. It has to.

I did a few things right last month such as exercising at least three days a week, prepping my food for the week, and tracking my points (although inconsistently).

My plan for next month:

• Gym in the morning Monday-Friday.
• Journal my food/exercise EVERY day.
• Be "perfect" with food/exercise Monday-Friday and take it "easy" on the weekend.

The time to change is now. The time to live is now. The time to be proud of who I am is now. I am tired of being ashamed of who I am. And not because I'm fat...but because I sell myself short. I throw in the towel. I don't treat myself with respect.

I need to do this. This is what I want. Now is the time to get it.