Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Restart Weigh-In: Read It and Weep

I have been really hard on my body.   I either ignore it completely or push it to its limit.  When it shows weakness I have absolutely no mercy.  I get mad that it's all stretched out (and will probably never bounce back) and that my foot hurts if I'm not ridiculously careful (plantar fasciitis).  It gets me angry to the point of tears when I get on the treadmill and can only walk 1.5 mph.  It makes me want to throw things and rip my hair out when I bend over and everything is stiff and hurts and my legs feel swollen and achy....from doing nothing.

The truth is that my body has held up under intense pressure.  And it has never let me down.  When I ask for change it responds. I know people who diet and do everything right and not lose a pound.  That's never been true for me.  When I eat right and exercise, I lose weight. But it's never good enough.

I feel this huge disconnect right now.  The person I am and the person I have become are so far removed from each other.  

I look in the mirror and hate myself.  I don't hate the way I look....I hate the person looking back at me.  How did I let this happen?  How did I let myself spend 30 years as this stranger?  Why was I so willing eager to accept living as a person so different than who I really am?  I'm so out of touch with myself.  It's like some one blindfolded me and spun me in circles.   I don't know which way is up and which way is down.

I'm really just going through the motions at this point.  Eat right.Exercise.  Maybe that will help me feel more grounded.

I weighed in at a whopping 259 lb.  I'm up 20 lb since July.  Feel sorry for me??  I sure do!

This is a recent photo of me in my bathing suit (which you can't really see but I absolutely love).  

So far Body For Life is underway... I have been tracking my food/water/exercise, doing weights 3 days a week and cardio 3 days a week, and eating the BFL way.  A pretty typical meal is what I had for lunch today:

Chicken breast (left over from dinner, cooked with chicken broth, mustard, spices, olive oil), kidney beans, baby spinach, spring mix lettuce, cukes, carrots, 1 tbsp craisens, 1 tbsp walnuts and 2 tbsp lite dressing. 

It was actually pretty good. I don't mind eating healthy and I don't mind exercising.


I just keep telling myself to go through the motions.  Do what I know I need to do.  Hopefully this unsettled feeling will pass.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Juggle vs The Jiggle

I know I'm supposed to care that only one pair jeans still button up.....and even those ones need a little "help"....

How sad is it that I actually DO this???? Why exercise when a rubber band and long shirt works just as well?

I know I should care that I am out of breath just from drying off after a shower or after putting on a pair of stockings.  And I do care. It makes me sad.

I do want to do something to change it.  But I have "done something" enough times to know that "doing something" takes every ounce of energy I have.  I can't do it all (work, meeting, studying, service, exercise, cooking, cleaning). I'm not a good juggler.  Most people I know just handle it all and make it look easy!  (I don't like these people and throw things at them.)

When I attempt it, things end badly....quickly.

Even though I haven't been paying attention to the scale, I have made major strides in other areas of my life. I have maintained those things for a while now. Those things matter a lot to me.  I feel like if I "do something" about my health then I have to trade in everything else.  And I don't want to. I'd rather live with the jiggle than try to juggle!

So I guess that leads us to the most obvious and cliche thing in the world. BALANCE. Boring. I hate the idea of balance because it means you don't excel in anything.  No glory.  No spotlight. No pats on the back.  Just a C average across the board. I need more than that.  I need results. I need something to SHOW for myself.  Great attitude, huh?

But then a certain some one said a certain something.  Hubs is the best person I know.  He has never ever even once (not even in anger or the heat of a moment or as a joke) made fun of my weight.  Not a SINGLE time.  Recently he (reluctantly and gently) told me that he's worried about my weight gain because he loves me and he can tell I'm uncomfortable and unhealthy.  I listened to everything he said, thought about it for a second and then from the bottom of my heart told him (reluctantly and gently) that I just don't care.  I don't have it in me.

That's when he resorted to bribery.  He made me an offer I couldn't refuse:  As an incentive to get going with healthy eating and exercise he offered me the Holy Grail of the make-up world.

Urban Decay's Naked2 Palette  You can do sooo many great looks with this palette!

Yes. I have a price and I can be bought.  The great thing is that this palette is so expensive that I don't even feel cheap!  I may be a Sell-Out but I'm a classy Sell-Out.

Hello Beautiful!! Why is it that just walking into an Ulta makes me feel happy all over???

Up and at 'em!! Cowgirl up!  I have my grocery list all made.  This weekend I will have my gym bag all packed.  Hubs let me pick the diet (we are both going to be following it...partly cuz he is super supportive and mostly cuz Hubs got a little chubs) and I chose Body For Life. Who cares. They all work as long as you stick to them. And I had a lot of success on that plan.

I hate to admit it but Hubs really picked the perfect "get your butt going" bribe gift.  It makes me feel pretty.  And girly.  I do feel super cute.   But it loses a little something when you're carrying around an extra 100 pounds.  I mean, if these girls can't pull it off, what chance do I have??

I feel motivated to want to feel better!!!!  Here goes nothing!