The Skinny

The first time I saw her, my mouth fell open.  It was in the aerobics area of my gym.  She was crouched over like it hurt to stand up straight. Yet she was going full speed on the elliptical. I have never seen anyone so thin.  Not in a picture and not in real life. When I imagine poor starving people in Africa, they are porkers compared to her. 

I immediately felt so bad for her.  What must she imagine herself to look like? How much pain must she be in?  What issues is she battling to be doing this to herself?  I wanted to DO something or SAY something.  I wanted to help her.  Here is this woman who looks like a skeleton running like crazy on an elliptical. I had to make her stop. She is killing herself.  I was about to say something when a scenario ran through my head.

If I walked into a McDonald's and saw a 400 pound woman eating 2 orders of french fries, a big mac, large coke and a milk shake....would I say anything to her?  How would I feel if I was at a restaurant eating WAY too much food and the person in the booth next to me tried to *help* by saying that I was hurting myself and to please stop. 

I began to think of many of the similarities between someone like her and someone like me. Both of our eating habits are killing us.  We both are where we are because of major emotional issues.  Both of us need help.

I wish morbid obesity received the same recognition among medical professionals as other medical problems like anorexia.  Granted, my doctor is the first to tell me that being fat is going to kill me....and before it does, it will make me REALLY uncomfortable by giving me bad knees and sleep apnea.  However the TREATMENT is sooooo different. 

When I went to the doctor a few years ago to discover my blood pressure was so high I was almost hospitalized, the doctor yelled that I could have a stroke and die at any moment.  She hollered that my weight and eating habits were to blame.  She proceeded to say in the most patronizing tone, "For breakfast, have a piece of fruit.  For lunch have 4 oz of baked chicken breast with a salad and 1 tablespoon of fat free dressing.  For dinner, have a small potato with NO butter and a SMALL piece of chicken. DO NOT have any snacks.  If you absolutely can NOT handle not having dessert, then have ONE cookie on a plate with a tall glass of fat free milk."

She looked at me like "You're welcome. Problem solved."  I half expected her to smack me on the forehead and shout "Hallelujah!"  So simple, huh?

Now if the woman mentioned earlier came into this same doctor's office, would this doctor yell, "Anorexia is killing you!" And then sit back and say, "For breakfast have an omelet with tons of cheese and bacon.  Make sure you snack on potato chips all day.  For lunch have a huge slice of pizza with pepperoni.  Each night have a pint of Ben and Jerry's." 

Would that have been her answer?  No.  Someone with anorexia gets treated for the CAUSE of her eating disorder along WITH the symptoms. A fat person gets advice on how to fix the symptom but not the cause. 

A morbidly obese person's *illness* is the obesity in itself.  The fact that they weigh too much.  A person with anorexia's *illness* isn't that they weigh too little.  The illness is the mental disposition.  What is happening on the inside.  And that is what needs to be treated for the person to heal. 

I'm not saying it's the same for overweight people as it is for people who suffer from anorexia. And I'm not even saying that it's the same for every overweight person.  I'm just saying that there is no way that a person can become morbidly obese just because they like Snickers bars too much. There is more under the surface.  And it has to be dealt with for any success to be long term. 

The saddest part is that this women on the elliptical was trying hard to put on a show. She had a ton of make up on with bright red lips, and her long blonde hair was perfectly straightened and spayed in place.  It's like she was almost pleading silently for every one to believe that she was ok and happy with herself. It's ok to not be ok.  There is no shame in it.  We are all dealing with something. We all have issues to work through.  And what matters is that we DO.

Week 4 Weigh-In: 247.4 lb (+3.6)

Week 4 Weigh-In: 247.4 lb (+3.6)

Month 1 Results: +2.6 lb

WARNING: If you have a low tolerance for weight loss blogger pity parties, please click that little X in the upper right hand corner of this screen. It's gonna get ugly.

After a month of diet and exercise I end this month 2.6 lb heavier than when I started. What is wrong with me? I had so many binge days and and during two of these last four weeks I just gave up by Wednesday. I have a real problem. This is crazy. It's time to ask myself, "What do I want?" I need to figure out what is really important to me and then act accordingly. If the answer is that eating my body weight in string cheese is what I want most in the world, then FINE. I guess I will have to come to grips with that truth and resign myself to a life of flab and tight pants. And chances are I wouldn't have to deal with it for very long because this isn't about vanity. This isn't just 5 extra pounds. I am hugely morbidly obese. I am ignoring things like high blood sugar and high blood pressure. My body cannot TAKE this. What do I want? I feel so lost. I don't know what to do or what direction to go in. And I think this binging and not being able to stick to a diet is a symptom of my life being out of control. I don't have any direction. I used to be involved in a full-time volunteer work that I had planned to make a career of. In the fall of last year I gave it up. I wanted time to "regroup" and I wanted time to lose weight. I am starting to think that was a huge mistake. Volunteering gave me focus. It was something I really believed in. It kept me busy. I often felt like I wasn't "good enough" to do this volunteer work and perhaps I wasn't. But maybe I don't need to be. Maybe the best way to become "good enough" is to keep going. I give up too easy. I choose the easy road. I am not proud of that. I need to face challenges head on and not run from them.

"For God gave us not a spirit of cowardice, but that of power and of love and of soundness of mind." --2 Timothy 1:7

I need to remember how horrible this feels to be overweight. Even just 10 pounds makes a big difference in how I feel.

This is what 247.4 feels like:

1. Out of breath for no reason. I lay down in bed at night and just hear myself breathe....like I just ran a mile.
2. Can't move. It's hard to walk, bend over, etc.
3. My face is always bright red.
4. Bloody nose. I don't know if this is means that my blood pressure is high or not...but it scares me.
5. Swollen. I am puffy all the time.
6. Nothing to wear. Granted this is also true when I have lost weight and haven't bought new clothes, but it's worse now.
7. Can't get comfortable. Can't sit comfortably, can't stand comfortably....can't fit in a lot of seats comfortably.

All that needs to change. It has to.

I did a few things right last month such as exercising at least three days a week, prepping my food for the week, and tracking my points (although inconsistently).

My plan for next month:

• Gym in the morning Monday-Friday.
• Journal my food/exercise EVERY day.
• Be "perfect" with food/exercise Monday-Friday and take it "easy" on the weekend.

The time to change is now. The time to live is now. The time to be proud of who I am is now. I am tired of being ashamed of who I am. And not because I'm fat...but because I sell myself short. I throw in the towel. I don't treat myself with respect.

I need to do this. This is what I want. Now is the time to get it.

Week 3 Weigh-In: 243.8 (-3.8 lb)

I am really happy with my number this week. Losing 3.8 lb is really great. It's extremely depressing that I went so far off the deep end Week 2 and gained over 5 lbs. I do that all the time. It's so typical. How do I stop that? I hate this one step forward, two steps back cycle. It's so self destructive. And pointless.

The one good thing about not having given up totally is that I am making progress on the *exercise* side of things. I took it pretty easy for the first three weeks. I walked on the treadmill at a very easy pace. I didn't want to hurt myself and more importantly I wanted to give myself time to build up some muscle and flexibility. This morning I was able to pick up the pace and do intervals with raising the incline up to a 10 every five minutes. I really had a *workout*. It felt good. No pain in my hip or in my plantar fasciitis.

Look at how far I walked and how many calories I burned in 45 mins!















I am really happy with how I'm eating and my workout schedule. Weight watchers is easy to follow. I love my free day each week. And getting to the gym Mon-Fri is very doable. Almost enjoyable. It's just my brain. I get this "freak out, out of control" attack and just shove food in my face. Its so connected to my view of myself. Which changes with the weather. When I feel good and healthy, I eat good and healthy. When I was really young I always felt huge. I felt like a fat girl and so I ate like a fat girl. There didn't seem to be any point to eating healthy or taking care of my body. And I still fall into that. I feel like junk. So I eat accordingly.

I have everything I need to break that cycle. I just need to keep working at it every single day.

Pink Elephant

If you ask me how much I weigh, I could probably give you a good guess. Maybe 250? Not quite sure.

I'm 5'2'' so the most common follow-up question is "Aren't you doing anything about your weight?"

The truth is, I spend my whole life doing SOMEthing about my weight. Half of the time that something is trying to lose weight. The other half of the time that something is IGNORING it. Although the ignoring is way more fun and easy, it's also way more time consuming. I don't get a break from ignoring it. It's a rigorous Ignoring Schedule.

I ignore it in the morning when I try to get dressed and my clothes are too small...and on the ride to work when my seat belt is digging into my flab...and at night when my back hurts cuz its been lugging around my big butt all day.

So what do you do when ignoring all the junk in your trunk turns out to be more work than actually doing something to get rid of it?

Only one thing TO do. You grab that pink elephant in the room, look right into it's eyes....and realize....it's you.

Hello, I'm Pink Elephant. I'm DONE ignoring it. I am going to lose 100 pounds.