Tuesday, October 16, 2012

End of Daze...Take Two!

Yeah, remember that last post where I was like "Oh I feel so much better!"  Not completely accurate. Wishful thinking?  Self denial?  Selective blogging?  Maybe all of that. I don't know what made me think I was doing better because I was not.  I have felt very disconnected.  I haven't felt like I am being "me" and I haven't felt a connection to the people around me.  I was trying desperately to ignore how bad I felt and to numb it with my drugs of choice:  TV and food.  Then a dear old friend sent me a short email...it was only 2 sentences and basically just said "How are you?"  Something inside me just broke and I let it all out.  I got the most beautiful response back.  It was full of things like this.....

 I do feel like this is something you can overcome. I believe that so deep down to my core.
 ...you have the most tender heart of anyone I have ever met...
 I think you will find the beautiful woman you feel is missing. I can see her. She is there. You are going to be your biggest critic, your biggest obstacle maker, and you’re going to try and stop yourself because it is just easier to not deal with it. But when you are ready to say I have had enough you will find the courage and strength beyond what you have ever known.

I am at a really low point.  I can't believe in myself. I can't believe this is possible or worth it.  I just want to give in and give up.  Wallow in the freedom and instant gratification that comes with binging and junk food and self-loathing.  This darling treasured friend believed in me when I was too low to believe in myself. It gave me a second wind.  It all feels worth it again.  Which is nice since I am at the heaviest weight I have been in years.....260.  **deep depressed sigh**

It feels like I gained all the weight right on my shoulders.  I have such a weight on me! Nothing fits.  My leg muscles hurt just walking to my car.  The last two days I have gone to the gym before work (**major points for getting to the gym**) and walked on the treadmill....AT 1.5 MPH!!!!!!   How embarrassing.  My body just hurts hurts hurts. I have to take it really slow. 

Even though I'm taking it slow on my body, I still need to eat right.  I did not feel like doing a diet that was high in protein again.  Even though I lose weight on those diets, I feel heavy and exhausted. I had heard of the Mediterranean Diet and wanted to read more about it.  I couldn't believe what I read.  It was basically telling me to eat the way I instinctively want to eat.  How is it possible to lose weight like this?  I don't know...but it works.  Well, I hear it works....time will tell I guess.

I like that meat is only eaten occasionally.  Meat has been grossing me out lately.  Also, I recently decided to only buy meat that is grass-fed, free range, vegetarian fed...which means DOLLAR SIGNS.  Now that I am eating less meat it will be much friendlier on my bank account. I have been eating like this for a few days now and I feel really really good. 

Timing was perfect to snap out of my daze (like for serious this time) because my best friend decided that she was ready too! She called me and asked if I would meet with her once a week to discuss our strategy and set goals and support each other.  LOVE IT!

We got together Saturday (which is also my weigh-in day) and set out some great goals for the week and targets for the year.

Week1 Goals:  
  • Drink 64 oz H2O
  • Exercise 3 Times
  • Write in Food Journal

YEAR TARGET (October 16, 2013):   
175 lb to Reach 100 LB Total Loss

1st Quarter Target (January 16, 2013)
230 lb...30 lb Loss (45 lb Total Loss)

2nd Quarter Target (April 16, 2013)
212 lb...18 lb Loss  (63 lb Total Loss)

3rd Quarter Target  (July 16, 2013)
193 lb....19 lb Loss (82 lb Total Loss)

4th Quarter Target  (October 16, 2013)
175 lb....18 lb Loss  (100 lb Total Loss)

It won't be easy but it can't be any harder than living like this!!!  This is really really really possible.  I am so tired of looking back on old blog posts and old journal entries and realizing that if I had just stuck to it...not gone over the deep end crazy with dieting and exercise... just plugged along....that I could be at my goal weight by now. Not this time. I am not going to screw "next-year-me" over!  Next-year-me will LOVE me. 

“The greatest weariness comes from work not done.” 

--Eric Hoffer

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