Monday, June 4, 2012

Fairy Tales and 5K's

Breaking up with Scale was a bad idea. These last few weeks without him have been horrible.  Oh, sure, at first it was fun and liberating.  But it turns out he was right about everything.  This weekend I went crawling back.  Sure he had some nasty things to say... hello 240's....but we are going to work through things together. 

The truth is, I don't believe I can will do this.  I just don't.  I love love love eating food.  Logically I don't understand it. What is so wonderful about taking an item mashing it between your teeth and swallowing it?  Why is that action my very favorite thing in the WORLD to do?  Yes, it often tastes good.  But a lot of the times that's not even the case.  I can't make sense of it.  I work so very very hard.  And then I throw it all away Every.Single.Time.  I really think this whole thing is a bunch of crap.  Pointless. Ridiculous. 

I have done it all and I don't want to do any of it again.  I know that the Fat Smash Diet really works.  Works WONDERS.  I just did it recently and I don't flippin' wana do it again.  Not now.  I decided to track calories on MyFitnessPal....but holy crap people! 1200 calories is really hard to stay at.  I am going to the library tonight to (once again) go through all the diet books on the shelves.  If any one has tried anything that has worked or can recommend anything I would love some advice.  I need something I haven't tried before.  Only something shiny and new will work when I am feeling like this.

Really I know that my problem isn't on my's in my brain.  I binge and overeat.  I don't know why.  Maybe I wasn't held enough as a baby...or maybe too much... or maybe I just like having a party in my mouth.  I don't know what it is but I need to fix it and I feel like I can't do it on my own.  I looked up Over Eaters Anonymous.  It's a 12 step program.  How's that for "bottom of the barrell"??  I found some in my area but none are at times that I can make. 

Maybe I should just try duct tape......

It's sad to think that this past month I really was on the ball with exercise and yet still gained 5 pounds.  It makes me sick to think that if I could have just dragged my fat butt away from the ice cream aisle that I could be down to my mini goal of 225 pounds.  Exercise does not compensate for the binge. I weighed in at 240.8 pounds.

I'm not sorry that I kept up my exercise though.  I do feel fitter, if not thinner.  In fact, I walked 2 5K's in May.  The first one was not timed...but the second one was.  The last 5K I walked was in 2010 and my time was 01:01:22.  This year my time was 55:58.  I shaved over 5 minutes off my time!! I really pushed myself.  Yes, I know that's still really slow, but it averages to about 3.3 mph and that is really great for ME.

I had some cute stinkin' hair for the 5K too!! And that always helps.

They both look this this from the front.

Just a side dutch braid.

This one is a dutch braid with a bun.

And this one is a dutch braid wound back and forth across my head.

I hope when I go scavenging for diet books I find something that cons me into believing again.  Because it's great to believe.  Even if it's in Fairy Tales.  Cuz that Fairy Tale where I can actually get control of my eating has one very Happily Ever After ending.


  1. I do myfitnesspal too, but I set it for 1600 calories a day, because I cannot do 1200! It's way too hard!

    I can relate to the feeling of not believing I can/will do it. I remember when I started out in October, I didn't want to tell anyone what I was doing, because I didn't think I would follow through. After I lost 15lbs, I started to tell people and that helped me believe I could do it. In January I met with a person trainer and one of his questions to me was "On a scale of 1-10, how sure are you that you can reach your goal?" I said 10... no 11, 12! I know I'll reach my goal! I'm still working on it every day, but I've made huge strides in the right direction! You can do it too!

  2. The Eat-Clean Diet by Tosca Reno. $11 on Amazon. I don't know what you're eating now, but eating a clean, whole foods, sugar free diet cannot be argued with. Give it a look. It has become my bible.

    1. And by sugar free I don't mean crap like sugar free fake ice cream bars, I mean getting refined sugar and artificial sweeteners out of your system and out of your life, just to clarify. :)

  3. Ugh...I can so relate to your love of eating and issues with binge eating. I struggle(d) with that as well.

    One book that really helped me with coming to terms with my binge eateing was "Brain Over Binge" by Kathryn Hansen. Check it out.

    I was binging on a daily basis at one point. That book & Medifast (I know, I know...Medifast is such a dirty word!!)is what helped me start losing weight and fast. When I felt better, I knew that I needed to get off that plan for several reasons (too many to list in this comment!) But basically, I knew I needed to right my relationship with food & eating pre-packaged, processed diet food was not the way to do it.

    I was already reading blogs at that point and one of my favorite bloggers recommended to me that I read "The Eat Clean Diet" by Tosca Reno. It's not a diet in the sense of restricted calories...she teaches you the obvious basics about eating whole foods and how much. No calorie counting. Just healthy, good foods. I continuted to lose weight. So my advice, for what it's worth, is to just eat a clean diet the best you can. Throw out the junk and start fresh. In her book, Tosca Reno provides meal plans and recipes to get you started. You still get to eat lots of great food. No sugar though. And once you get through that awful time of detoxing sugar, you probably won't even want it anymore.

    It's great that you were still exercising through this time!! I wish that we could exercise a bad diet away, but we just can't :(

    I really wish you luck and admire you for not giving up!

  4. Hair-amazing! I want. So bad.

    Your post pretty much sums up my struggle. I LOVE food. I can't recommend anything because if worked for me, I wouldn't still be struggling, and I am.
    But the one thing that I got to caution against is slashing calories too much. And 1200 per day? I don't know. I tried that and it's hell. I can't last on that and due diligence with workouts. Sure, I can do it for 2 weeks, but then I'll binge.

    What is much easier to sustain for me, is to keep maintenance calories for my target-sh weight. It's slower, but chances are, I'll stick with it much longer.

  5. love the hair pics!! So jealous, I wish I was talented so that i could do that to mine LOL.
    Hang in there. Something will work for you, I promise.


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