I was reading someone's blog the other day who noticed no one ever says, "Wow. Losing weight is SO easy." And I thought to myself, "Actually, I have been thinking that exact thing. It is easy."
Oh, poor silly girl. How wrong you were....
Starting Wednesday around 3pm it became apparent that I was losing my grip on this whole "eat right and exercise" business. I
needed wanted food. I
just wanted to snack. And when I was done snacking I wanted to snack
some more. I felt like I was losing control. I got that "bottomless
pit" feeling where I knew that no matter how
many bowls of popcorn I ate, I would want one more. I gave in a bit. I
compromised some. But I fought to keep my feet on the floor.
Yesterday it all came unraveled. I won't go into the gooey details...but it wasn't pretty. At one point, I was driving home from work and I was in a panic. I was breathing fast, clammy and shaky. I had healthy food at home. I could have just gone home. But I went to McDonalds and got a Crispy Chicken Snack Wrap, McDouble, and an ice cream cone. The second my lips met that ice cream it was like a mouthful of frozen vanilla flavored Valium. I immediately relaxed and felt better. The car ride home is about 20 minutes. And it was 20 minutes of pure bliss. The effect wasn't long lasting. As soon as I walked in the door I was searching for my next fix. Last night was ugly. Self destructive. Awful. But it taught me an important lesson.
Eating junk feels really really really really good. Great. Wonderful. Euphoric. I should open a rehab center for heroine addicts and feed them double cheeseburgers. They would be cured! I've never tried heroine, but I'm pretty sure a double cheeseburger is just as good.
All this talk about "replacing bad habits with good habits" is such a joke. I can make as many lists as I want of things I can do INSTEAD of overeating but it's pointless. I can "Read a Magazine" and "Call a Friend" until I'm blue in the face and it won't even come CLOSE to how good great it feels to eat junk. There IS no substitute. Nothing works as good. Nothing feels as good. I have to come to grips with that. I have to understand that it IS going to be hard.
It's going to SUCK when I feel like that. But I have to feel like that. I have to wait it out. Get past it. It's an ugly addiction. Feeling like that means I haven't given in. That I am fighting. It's OK to feel awful because I'm not giving in to a horrible habit that will kill me.
As time goes by I know I will feel it less and less. But it will always be there waiting.
I got on the scale this morning to see that I gained 3.6 pounds in the last 2 days. Sometimes I feel like I'm fooling myself. Going through the motions to lose weight like it could ACTUALLY happen...when I know that it never will. An impossible mission.