Breaking Up is Hard to Do

He says I walk all over him.  I can't take the verbal abuse and mood swings.  I know I need him.... but I also need a break.  It's hard, yes.  But it's time.  Really, it's not him, it's me.  I have been so co-dependent. And I give him way too much control over my emotions. 

I have made my decision. Scale and I are breaking up. 

Well, it's more like we are "taking a break" (Ross and Rachel style).  More of a separation than a divorce. 

I will weigh myself on June 1st.  Not before then.

This Phase 3 has been brutal.  Trying to eat "treats" in moderation is an emotional roller coaster ride. One minute I'm in control using a 1/2 cup measuring spoon to serve up my low fat frozen yogurt.....the next minute, I am awakened from my carb coma by the sound of my spoon hitting the bottom of the Ben & Jerry's container.

A huge part of me wants to just give up on this *have some in moderation* idea.  I want to go back to the safety of Phase 2, which might mean that I have frozen cherries instead of frozen yogurt for dessert but at least I'm less likely to fall off the deep end.  But I can't do that.  I need to learn how to eat in a BALANCED way.  Because I want this weight loss to be long term.  I need to figure this out.  And I need to do it on my own.  Without the scale. There are only 2 more weeks of this land-mine filled Phase 3.  After that I begin the cycle again and go back to Phase 1. 

Despite my food issues, I had a pretty good time this weekend.  Hubs and I got a Groupon for this sushi place.  It was AMAZING.  We each got the Dinner Roll Special (3 rolls of sushi plus salad or soup for $12....Holy raw fish, Batman!)

Isn't it pretty? That's a Spicy Salmon Roll, Tuna Roll, and California Roll.

Then we got Tempura ice cream...mmmm fried ice cream...

The bill came to $11.04.  I felt like we had robbed the place!  Look at all that food we got!

On a sad note, I woke up Sunday morning with a horrible head cold. Super sick today.  So no exercise.  I guess this is a good week to break up with Scale....I know he will have nothing good to say about that.  He is such a nag!

Wish me the best! This is all so scary and new.

Reward & Punishment

I am so close to the 50 pound mark I can taste it! This will bring me down to 225 pounds. Ten more pounds to go before I get there.  I wanted to mark this milestone by rewarding myself with something special and unique.  And I found it.

Isn't it adorable and lovely?  I don't have it in my clutches yet...but soon..oh so soon!  I love owls. And I think it's a fitting symbol for weight loss success.  Owls are a symbol of wisdom...which makes me think of this....

"Wisdom is proved righteous by its works." --Matthew 11:19

I have made some wise choices and worked hard and it shows!

I am in Phase 4 of the Fat Smash Diet.  This phase allows for yummy and delicious things.  It also requires that I increase my workouts to 45 minutes 5 days a week. Not horrible. Very doable. I have been really good about allowing myself to have treats within the portion sizes allowed on the diet.
 
There is something incredibly empowering about being able to have a little bit of something delectable.  The fact that I am able to do this makes me feel like I have super powers.

At first I was going to skip the treats all together.  The idea of having junk in my house terrified me. I had to remind myself that the ice cream in my freezer is more scared of me than I am of it (as well it should be).  I am so glad that I took this chance. This is my real ultimate goal. To be able to enjoy treats in moderation. And not have it trigger a feeding frenzy.

Due to the fact that I have added extras into my diet, I am even more strict with getting my workouts in. And I think I may be going a little overboard.  Earlier this week I started my day with 30 minutes on the elliptical, swam for an hour, and then went for a one hour bike ride in the evening. It was too much. Much too much. I chose to do all those things mostly because they were all fun and I wanted to...but if I'm honest with myself it's because I am terrified of what that scale will say Monday because of eating all these extra calories.  I don't want to use exercise as a punishment.  I hate when I feel this way. I lost zero pounds last week and I know if the same thing happens this week (or God forbid, goes UP), I will be devastated.  I don't want to be THAT girl.  The girl who lets her mood be governed by the number on the scale. How do I stop this?

Here is a shot of how my hair looked after I slept in braids, took them out and pinned it back :-)

Here is the back view....

And a pic of me with Hubs.

On a much less vain note....as you can see by that count down on my side bar... the March of Dimes: Walk for Babies is right around the corner.

I was told it was going to be a short 2 mile walk on the beach.  Turns out it's a 5K.  I feel very very under prepared. I am a really slow walker.  But this is a cause that is near and dear to my heart.  I will have fun and be glad I did it....but right now I am scared.

The first (and last) time I did a 5K I finished 3rd to last.  The worst part is that this information comes up when I Google myself (like you don't!).  I hope old friends from High School aren't stumbling across this embarrassing bit of information when they get to wondering what I have been up to... cringe.

Really though, I am not concerned with the time. I'm happy I'm doing it and will have a blast!

Weigh-In: 235.4

Weight:  235.4 lb
Week Change: 0 lb
Fat Smash/Ready for Summer Loss: -15.8 lb
Total Loss: -39.6 lb
Left to Lose:  60.4 lb

My 4 week loss is -15.8 pounds. I am really happy with this. I didn't have such a great week.  I had good intentions and made things like this for dinner...

Salad with chicken breast, romaine, carrots, tomatoes, radishes, goat cheese, and cherry dressing.

I also made steel cut oats with craisens and walnuts for breakfast. (My favorite.)

But on Wednesday and Thursday I was full of anxiety and stress and all that ugliness. I ate junk.  And it made me feel wonderful during and horrible after. It even did this to my tongue.

Can you see how swollen that is?  There are imprints from my teeth.  Ick.

I am proud of myself because I did not wait for Monday to get back in the saddle. I jumped back on the wagon Friday morning. I did not let myself beat me up about my two bad days. They happened. They are over.

"Losers quit when they are tired...Winners quit when they have won."

There is no way I am giving up when I have come so far.  Hubs and I had another double date on Saturday.  Plans about which restaurant we were going to kept changing. (Which I hate because I plan eating out VERY carefully with a lot of online menu recon.)  We ended up at the worst place a fat girl on a diet can be....a buffet.  Cringe.

I rocked it.  I had this....

Crab legs (and really that whole plate gives you about 1/2 cup of meat)

and sushi (mmm....sushi). Pay no attention to that sesame roll and crab rangoon. I don't know how those got there :-)

I was shocked to see the picture of me and Hubs.  I think I look pretty good!! Here is a comparison of a photo of us from about a month ago and the photo from Saturday.

Is it all in my head?  Or can you see a change?

After playing games at our friends' house we decided we needed frozen yogurt.  Another self-serve place opened up and we had to try it.

You start here.

And grab a cup.

Choose your flavor(s)...

They give you combination ideas!
 
Unlike the first place we tried last week, this place did not list the portion size or calories. Just the weight watchers points (most were about 3 points each).

I got White Birthday Cake, Chocolate Dream, and Cookies n Cream.

Then you throw on your toppings from this section.

And this section.

I stuck with a lot of fruits and tried to keep it small. This is what it looked like.

And this is what it looked like 5 minutes later.



Hubs was more than happy with his choice :-)
 
We really had a good time! I feel so thin and happy lately (even though I know I'm still very very chubby).  But it feels good! I'm not complaining.  Once I lose 0.4 more pounds I will post an official Progress Photo.  Until then, here is a shot of me all dolled up (in one of those Pretty Dresses Hanging In My Closet).

Here's to a great week!!! 

Mission Impossible: This Fat Girl Will Self-Destruct

I was reading someone's blog the other day who noticed no one ever says, "Wow. Losing weight is SO easy."  And I thought to myself, "Actually, I have been thinking that exact thing.  It is easy." 

Oh, poor silly girl.  How wrong you were....

Starting Wednesday around 3pm it became apparent that I was losing my grip on this whole "eat right and exercise" business. I needed wanted food. I just wanted to snack.  And when I was done snacking I wanted to snack some more.  I felt like I was losing control.  I got that "bottomless pit" feeling where I knew that no matter how many bowls of popcorn I ate, I would want one more.  I gave in a bit.  I compromised some.  But I fought to keep my feet on the floor. 

Yesterday it all came unraveled.  I won't go into the gooey details...but it wasn't pretty.  At one point, I was driving home from work and I was in a panic.  I was breathing fast, clammy and shaky.  I had healthy food at home.  I could have just gone home.  But I went to McDonalds and got a Crispy Chicken Snack Wrap, McDouble, and an ice cream cone.  The second my lips met that ice cream it was like a mouthful of frozen vanilla flavored Valium.  I immediately relaxed and felt better.  The car ride home is about 20 minutes. And it was 20 minutes of pure bliss.  The effect wasn't long lasting.  As soon as I walked in the door I was searching for my next fix.  Last night was ugly. Self destructive.  Awful.  But it taught me an important lesson. 

Eating junk feels really really really really good. Great. Wonderful. Euphoric. I should open a rehab center for heroine addicts and feed them double cheeseburgers. They would be cured!  I've never tried heroine, but I'm pretty sure a double cheeseburger is just as good.  

All this talk about "replacing bad habits with good habits" is such a joke.  I can make as many lists as I want of things I can do INSTEAD of overeating but it's pointless. I can "Read a Magazine" and "Call a Friend" until I'm blue in the face and it won't even come CLOSE to how good great it feels to eat junk.  There IS no substitute.  Nothing works as good. Nothing feels as good.  I have to come to grips with that.  I have to understand that it IS going to be hard.

It's going to SUCK when I feel like that.  But I have to feel like that.  I have to wait it out. Get past it. It's an ugly addiction. Feeling like that means I haven't given in.  That I am fighting.  It's OK to feel awful because I'm not giving in to a horrible habit that will kill me.  

As time goes by I know I will feel it less and less.  But it will always be there waiting.

I got on the scale this morning to see that I gained 3.6 pounds in the last 2 days.  Sometimes I feel like I'm fooling myself.  Going through the motions to lose weight like it could ACTUALLY happen...when I know that it never will.  An impossible mission. 

But what if it DID work?  It has happened for so many people.  I could be a success story.  I could be The After Photo.

Brown Haired Girl

I have been watching YouTube DIY hair videos.  This video showed how to cut your bangs with a razor.  And this video showed more bang cutting techniques.  Here are the results.

I didn't do a "before photo" so I had to recycle a photo from another post showing off asparagus.  It does the trick...

I also saw this video for a really easy up do.

Mine didn't come out exactly like that. But I still liked it.  What do you think?


I still need to play around with it a bit.


I thought there was something kinda cool about it.

I love this cute ponytail look from this video.

This is what I came up with.

I love the lump.  And the hair covering the hair-tie is so cute.

You can see my razor bangs in that photo too.  I really like Luxy's YouTube videos.  She has over a hundred.  All of them are so cute and easy!  Check them out.

Fat Friend

A came across this article mentioning studies that show that being fat is contagious.  It basically says that the more friends you have that are fat, the more likely you are to be (or become) fat.  The thought is that if you surround yourself who feel being fat is socially acceptable it changes the social norms and makes you think it's ok for you to pack on the pounds.

I had to laugh when I read that the thinking behind this is because studies show that the majority of fat people (especially teen girls) are friends with other fat people. Ummm....yeah, no kidding. Try being a fat girl in High School.  Your social options are rather limited. We Fatties know enough to stick together.

Even though I think this notion is basically ridiculous, it did get me thinking.  When I get super serious about eating right and exercising, one of the first things to change (besides the contents of my refrigerator) is who I spend time with.  I start making plans to be active.  The people who turn me down for a bike ride and suggest going out for ice cream instead do not make my "who-to-call-next-weekend-to-go-for-a-walk" list.  When I suggest a healthy restaurant for dinner and it gets turned down because "they only serve rabbit food", then that person is not on my "who-to-call-to-go-to-dinner" list. It's just the way it is. It just happens.

The funny thing is, when I stop to think about the friends I have who are willing to go for a walk and eat rabbit food with me, I realize that the majority of them are my FAT FRIENDS.  And I don't have many fat friends.  But the ones I have are all about losing weight. And trying to eat right and exercise as much as possible. They are the ones that I can count on to make my weekend outing a healthy one. 


So think twice before you turn your nose up at a fat girl!! She could be the key to your dream bod :-)

Weigh-In 235.4 lb

Weight:  235.4 lb
Week Change:  -2 lb
Total Loss:  39.6 lb
Left to Lose:  60.4 lb

This is the third week of the Ready For Summer Challenge and The Fat Smash Diet.  I am more than thrilled with my 2 pound loss this week.  That makes a 16 pound loss in 3 weeks. Crazy!! Now all I have to do is NOT.GIVE.UP. That's the hardest part.

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” 

--Dale Carnegie

Hubs and I went for another bike ride on Saturday.  We biked for 1.5 hours and covered 10 miles. Yes, that's pretty slow, but I don't care.  I invited a bunch of people to go on the canal path for a walk/bike and then out to dinner after. I was shocked that 16 people showed up!  They all loved my bike :-) I still need to get a basket for her, but here's another photo of her...

I had a yummy salad at the restaurant on the canal.

And then we all decided to walk over about a half mile to this new frozen yogurt place.  It was amazing.  It's all self serve.  You get your bowl and pick out your flavor (or flavors).  The nutrition info is listed on each one!! And there were fat free, sugar free, and lactose free options.  Then there are two stations with every topping you can imagine Including fresh fruit which they chop every hour.

They charge by weight which I loved because I could control my portion size. You can put as little (or as much) as you want in there.  I got fat free cheesecake yogurt (120 cal per cup) and topped it with fresh mango, strawberries, raspberries and toasted wheat germ, flax seed, some graham cracker crumbles and a teeny bit of dark chocolate shavings and raw slivered almonds. So gooood!

We already have plans for another bike ride next Saturday.  And we will probably walk over and get frozen yogurt again :-) 

This week the Ready For Summer Mini Challenge was to visit all the challengers blogs.  I managed to do it! And was really impressed by so many of the posts.  I am constantly encouraged by February Fitness Project.  I love how she tracks her calories and fills us in on where she stands.  Her motivational pictures are great.  And she is so close to goal (well, compared to me) and yet she is dropping pounds.  Just goes to show that it IS possible. She also posts some great recipes.

Also Raeesa Getting Fit pushes me to keep going.  She has some great progress photos that show all this hard work is well worth it!

Seeing other people push through this crazy weight-loss thing reminds us all that we CAN do it. And we will!

These are my Ready For Summer Challenge Goals....with the necessary adjustments...

1. Weight Loss:  Lose 15 26.6 pounds and weigh 225 by June 2nd. 
2. NSV:  Fit into the pretty dresses hanging in my closet.
3. Exercise: Be active 4 hours 5 days each week.
4. Nutrition:  Stay within my PointsPlus allowance on the Fat Smash Diet Monday-Friday every day of the week.

Hard to believe that I am 10.6 pounds away from my June 2nd goal of weighing 225 pounds!  There are still 7 weeks left in the challenge so I know that I can accomplish this. I just have to keep on keepin' on!

That Was Then....This Is Now

I have 2.4 pounds to lose before I can post another progress picture.  But I thought I would do a quick face comparison.  This is me 37.6 pounds heavier at 275 pounds and a picture of me now at 237.4 pounds.

I can see a big difference.  I love this.  I feel like I look the same.  But I guess not!  This brightened my day.

Journey Journal

Tracking is so important for me when I'm trying to lose weight. I have to keep a daily record of what I'm eating, my exercise, and how I'm feeling.  However, it's not always easy to do this.  Sometimes I just don't feel like it.  I have to make it fun.

The first step is to find a journal that I really really really like.  It has to be adorable.  And the paper needs to feel good to write on.  This is what mine looks like.

The second step is to get a really nice pen that feels good to write with, some colorful markers and a bunch of happy stickers.  I try to find stickers that are related to healthy eating.  I have some veggie ones and fruit ones and some of My Little Ponies eating apples.  Look at that cute Lettuce Head!

On the inside cover of my journal I have a spot where I put a sticker for every day I have stayed on plan.  It's a nice way to look and see your progress.  The more those stickers pile up the happier I feel.

The front page is labeled *My Weigh* (Like Frank Sinatra....."I did it myyyy wayyyy"...get it?  Never mind.)  This is where I record my weigh-ins.

Each week I write what I have planned to eat that week.  This might sound silly, but sometimes the calorie deficit affects my brain and I can't remember what I bought at the grocery store and I am standing in my kitchen thinking "There is NOTHING to EAT."  I grab my journal, flip to this page and remind myself that YES there IS healthy food to eat in this house.....step AWAY from the car keys.  No fast food for you!

Each night I jot down what I ate and when, my water intake, and my exercise. I also write down how I am feeling that day.  I slap a sticker or two on that page as a *good job* reward.



I use a whole page to record my weekly weigh-in and give myself space to write about what I liked about the week and what I didnt't.


At the end of the week, Hubs writes me a little note with his observations and thoughts on how I did that week.  (Awwww....he's so cute.)

I often go back and flip through it to look for any connections between how I'm feeling and how I'm eating.  If I had a good week I flip through and see what helped.  If I had a bad week I flip through to see where I may have gone wrong.

It really helps keep me on track.

What about you?? How do you keep track?  How do you make it fun?

Brown Haired Girl

On my last hair post, Blog Wobble left me a comment mentioning a sock bun.  I had never heard of it before and quickly jumped on YouTube (per her suggestion).  I was amazed. How had a never heard of this before?  You can watch a video about it here. There are two different ways to do it.  After making a donut out of a sock like that video shows, you can roll your hair into it (like that video also shows) or you can wrap your hair around it and pin it.  I tried it and was pretty amazed.  But the sock showed through my hair.  I didn't want my bun to have white sections poking through.  That's when I found this amazing video.  It showed this brown donut hair thing that hides better in your hair.  It comes in blonde and black too.

I ran out and snagged one of these for $3.00. 

I absolutely love it. So fast. I roll my hair in it.  It takes 1 minute. It makes my bun look huge.  Love that.

Here is a pic of what it looked like when I threw it in my head in the car right after I bought it. No mirror, no brush, no hair tie. Not bad!

Here's another one...


Then I decided to wear it at work.

Here's another pic.


Vanity is NOT my proudest personality trait :-)

I just rolled it up and used two bobby pins to secure the pieces that got missed.